A woman asks her husband if she can golf with him. He says that he doesn't have the time to struggle around the course with her. But he does arrange for her to take some lessons, and agrees that they will golf together after she takes those lessons.
So the wife goes for her first private lesson with the club pro. It's a horrendous time. She can't hit the ball at all. She duffs one, misses another altogther. She slices and she hooks. The pro is at the end of his patience. Frustrated he tries one last very unorthodox instruction. He says, "Hold the club like you would your husband's penis. And then take the swing."
So she does. And she swings. And she hits it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "Absolutely perfect," says the instructor, astonished. "Now this time try taking the club out of your mouth."
...From Scott
A son goes golfing with his father and grandfather. Just before they are about to tee off, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes up to them. "Can I join your group, my partners cancelled on me?"
All three men agree, but she says there is one condition. She is not a very good golfer, and none of them can give her advice during the round. The men agree, anything to watch this babe golf.
Well, she shoots the lights out. They get to the 18th green, and she has parred every hole. She needs to make a 20 foot putt to save par, and stay even for the round. "I've never had a par round before!" she exclaims. "I know I told you guys not too help me, but whoever can give me some instruction on how to sink this putt, I will give him the blowjob of his lifetime."
Well, the son steps up and tells her to hit the ball six inches to the left of the pin because of the slight break. The father disagrees and urges her to hit the ball softly, 8-12 inches to the left of the pin.
The woman looks at the grandfather for help. The old man comes over to her, picks up the ball, walks to the pin and drops the ball in the hole. "We'll call it a gimme."
...From Scott
Four Nuns are standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter arrives to greet them and ask them each the same question and if their answer was honest, let them into heaven. He askes the question: "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun answers - "Yes, St. Peter I can't lie to you or to god, I did touch a penis once, with the tip of my finger." Knowing that her answer was honest, he forgave her and said, "In order to be totally obsolved, you must dip you finger in this holy water." She did so and went into heaven. The second nun comes up and answer the question as follows - "Yes, I did once in the back seat of a car before I joined the sisterhood." So he instructed her to put her entire hand into the holy water. Just as the third nun was coming up, the fourth nun pushed her out of the way and screamed at the saint saying "if you think that I'm gonna gargle that shit after she dips her ass in it, you've got it all wrong buddy!"
This guy walks into a sperm bank with a mask covering his face, and walks up the lady, shows her a gun and tells her to go open the vault. She says, "but sir, this is not a real bank, it's a sperm bank." He demands she opens the vault, and she does. He then demands that she drinks 2 vials of sperm. She says, "there aint no way i'm drinking that." So he shows her the gun again. She decides to drink the sperm, and right after she does the man takes off his mask and it's her husband and he says "see, I told you it wouldn't kill ya."....
Al Gore approaches Bill Clinton, the commander- in-heat, to ask for some advice. "Bill" he says, "I'm having a little trouble satisfying Tipper in the bedroom, and I know you are an expert in this subject. Can you give me some help?" Bill says, " Whenever I have that trouble, I pull out my dick and whack it against the bedpost a few times to get it pumped up and I can go for half an hour. All my woman love it." Al goes straight to his bedroom where Tipper is in the dark in bed almost asleep. He undresses, walks over to the bed and whacks his wang on the bed post a few times. Tipper sits up and says "Bill, is that you?"
Henry was setting on the throne in a stall in the men's room at a large hotel. He could hear a man rush in and sit down in the stall next to him, take a dump, and give a sigh of relief. The man said to no one in particular "Wow, sometimes a crap is as satisfactory as a screw". This was too much for Henry. He shouted out "Obiviously either I don't know how to shit or you don't know how to fuck!"
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully. "No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the man shot one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently. The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."
Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the bumpy back streets of Rome late one summer afternoon.
It starts getting quite dark and the two nuns are getting a little nervous.
The younger nun steers her bicycle closer to the older nun and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The older nun nods her head knowingly and says, "It's the cobblestones."
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back." "I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you".Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
One day,this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.
And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and ask, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, light it, takes along drag, and says,"Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"
She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"
Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh my God! Don't tell Me you've got golf clubs in there!"
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch?
Or, would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
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THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH.
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working,and asks him, -"Daddy, what's Sex?". "OK" He thinks this day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets. So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams. Then she asks: Daddy what is "A Couple"?. And he carries on :a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina..., and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, sex toys etc... The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "Sex" ? "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son", said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess", said the priest. "It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors", continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father", said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son", said the priest. The old man asked "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
There was this mother who had three daughters.
When the time came for each daughter to get married, she asked them, on their respective wedding days, to write home soon and tell her about their married lives.
The first daughter to get married wrote back only two days after the wedding. The letter consisted of a single message: "MAXWELL COFEEHOUSE".
The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, which said:
"SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP...". So Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and a week later she sent home her reply. The message read: "ROTHMANS". So the Mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and found out it said: "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother was happy.
Then it was the third daughter's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for the expected message to come through. When it did, the message was simply: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a B.A. ad. At last she found one and fainted.
The ad read: "TWICE A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS
In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the buses first step. So,slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still could not make the step. A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again,much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero,screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled, " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor ask him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" ask the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the missus, "This one here looks like yours!"
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You,foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." "Well," the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied,"Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" "Well," the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed at the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONGFEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter... Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes...
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra.
The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30."
The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"You probably could, if you took 2 pills", said the first man.
One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband,and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell, " he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your fucking attitude changes!"
One day a boy asks his dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? Dad thought for a minute and said come with me. He took his son to his mothers bedroom, where she was sleeping nude. Son he whispered, see that brown soft furry patch, that is a pussy. The boy asked, may I touch it to see how soft and furry it is? No replied his father, that might wake the cunt up.
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it's likely that we can survive more than a day or two. "
"I agree. Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me? "
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "I have never seen a man's penis, could I see yours?"
"I suppose it would be OK," said the priest lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know, if I insert my penis in the right place I can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
"Then why dont you stick it up the camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here!
A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he is always wearing a Harvard shirt during sex. Whenever he fucks me I get a rash in the shape of an H on my chest.
The doctor prescribes medication and calls his next patient in. She pulls off her shirt and says, "My boyfriend always wears his Princeton Shirt during sex and I get this rash."
The doctor again presribes some medication. He calls in his next patient. She pulls off her shirt and there is a rash in the shape of a W.
"Let me guess," the doctor says, "Your boyfriend goes to Western?"
The woman responds, "No, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."
A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel.
"The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!
"The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters.ÝWithin a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?," he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.
The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.
The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"
They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"
They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"
Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out.
Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees" said Tarzan
Guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears, and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.
The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
Doc says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.
Guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
Doc says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
Guy says, "Dddo it!" The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."
The doc says, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!"
Two 95 year old men sitting at the senior center one day when the one says, "I have to get right home!"
"What's your hurry?" asks the other.
"Me and the wife are having sex again today".
"Again? How often do you have sex?"
"Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is...Pumpernickel Bread." And he scurried off.
As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in.
"Do you have any Pumpernickel Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter.
"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread."
"I'll take it all." the old man blurts out.
The lady was surprised and says "All of it! It will get hard."
The old man replies "WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ME?"
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.
********* Request denied ***********
for the following reasons:
- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Woman love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he reaized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very suprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked
"Shhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
A husband and a wife are having there 25th wedding anniversary at a hotel and the woman asked the man "what was going through your mind when you first saw me naked?". The man said "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry". As the woman was getting undressed she said "what are you thinking now?" and the man said "I think I did a pretty good job."
A pretty young thing sits down on a barstool next to this young man. She asks him if he would like a handjob. He replies "Yes!" She says "that'll be fifty dollars." He says "No thanks no handjob is worth fifty bucks". She says "Come outside with me I want to show you something." So they go outside and she points to this beautiful cherry red lamborghini. She says "See that car? With the money I've earned from giving handjobs I paid cash for that car." The young man says "Well if they're that good I gotta try one." So he gives her fifty bucks and she proceeds to jerk him off. And this handjob is absolutely blowing his mind. When she finishes, he just can't quit raving about how incredible it was. She smile gets in her car and leaves.
Two weeks pass and the guy is thinking you know if her handjobs are that incredible I wonder how good of a blowjob she gives? So he goes back to the same bar and meets the same woman. He asks her "How much for a blowjob?" She replies "$200" He yells "No way! No blowjob is that good!" She once again asks him to go outside with her, and they drive to this huge mansion. She says "See that mansion? With the money I made from giving blowjobs I paid cash for that." So the guy, not fully convinced, but remembering how good the handjob was gives her the $200. So she grabs his dick and gives him the blowjob of his life. It's so good he can't believe it. He bursts his wad twice before she's through. She drives him back to the bar and drops him off.
The next week the guy goes back to the same bar and sees her there again. He's thinking how she rocked his world with the blowjob, so he decides he wants to try fucking her. So he goes up and asks her "Hey how much would it cost me to fuck you?" She replies "Come with me" Once again she drives to her house, she takes him inside and opens the curtains of this huge window. She says "You see that island out there?" He say "Yes". She replies "I could pay cash for that island if I had a pussy."
This guy walks into his doctor's office and tells the Doc he has a major problem. The doc asks, what is it? The man said he can not have sex. Why asked the Doc. The man replied, "My penis is too long and no woman will go to bed with me." The Doc said: "let me take a look." The man rolled his pants down and the Doc almost fainted. 25 inches of penis. The Doc said: Sorry but I know of no medical procedure that will help. But..........at the edge of town there is a witch who might be able to cast a spell on you.
Dejected the man left the office and said to himself -- nothing ventured nothing gained and off to the witch he went. He told her of his problem and she too wanted to see. She said WOW there is no spell I can cast that will help. But.............. If you go behind my house into the woods, You will eventually reach a pond. On the far shore you will see a big ugly frog. Ask her to marry you. If she says NO and it works, Your penis will shrink by 5 inches.
The men left and walked and sure enough he found the pond and low and behold there was the frog on the far shore. He yelled : Hey frog, will you marry me? She replied NO! he felt a tingle rolled his pants down and was amazed . His penis shrunk to 20 inches. He said to himself, great!!! this worked but it is still too long. He yelled again, Hey frog, will you marry me? The frog replied -- NO! he felt the tingle again and sure enough it shrunk by additional 5 inches to 15. He said to himself.
That's great but still not enough. He yelled again. FROG, will you marry me? The frog replied:
NO! NO! NO! for the last time.
The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a Dick:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.
Three guys are driving down the road and they get pulled over by the police. The cops walks up to them and tells them that they were speeding but he said he would let them go if they had 21 inches of dick between all three of them. So the first guy pulls down his pants and his dick is 10 inches long, the second guy pulls his pants down and his dick is 10 inches long, the third pulls his dick out and it's 1 inch long. So the cop lets them go. As they' driving down the road again the first guy says to the others, "you guys are lucky I had 10 inches of dick", the second guy says to the other two "you're lucky I had 10 inches of dick too." The third guy says to the other two "you guys are lucky I had a hard on".
A young man walks into a bar and shouts, "Line up ten shots of whisky!"
The barman happily starts pouring the drinks and asks, "What's the occasion?"
The young man replies, "First blowjob!"
"Well, that is an occasion." the barman says, "Tell you what, number eleven is on me".
"No thanks," says the young man, "If the first ten don't get rid of the aftertaste, I don't think the eleventh will do much good."
A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100 percent successful. He says, "Hire a big strong black man to stands near your bed and waving a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated an have an orgasm."
The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places. "Why don¼t you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed," says the friend. He agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hires the same guy again and this time they trade positions. Naturally, the woman has a divine orgasm. The husband leans over to the black guy and says, "You see! That's how you wave the towel."
One day, little Johnny goes with his Mom and Dad to the zoo. Dad went to get some soda so Johnny asks his Mom, "What's that thing on the elephant?" Johnny's mom says, "That's his trunk." "No, in the back," says Johnny. "That's his tail," mom replies. "No, right there," says Johnny pointing at the animals penis. "Oh, that's nothing," says Mom.
A little later he asks his Dad," What's that on the elephant?" "That's his trunk," Dad replies. "No, in the back." "Oh, that's his tail," says Dad. "No, right there," says Johnny. "Oh, that's the elephant's penis," replies his Dad. Johnny exclaims, "Well, Mom said that was nothing." Johnny's Dad puts his arm around his son's shoulder and says, "Ya' know, son, I have that woman spoiled."
A couple of good 'ol boys were sitting at a table in their favorite bar when a gorgeous blond walked in and sat at the bar. After a few beers, Jethro decided to approach the blond. He walked up to her and said, "Howdy honey, I'd sure like to get in your pants."
The blond looked at him and replies, "Thanks, but I already have an asshole in there."
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending."
He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.
The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's bum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Massachusetts duck. Do you have a Massachusetts hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Massachusetts hunting license.
The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's bum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Rhode Island duck. Do you have a Rhode Island State hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced a Rhode Island State hunting license.
The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's a Vermont State duck. Do you have a Vermont State hunting license?"
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.
The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!!"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator.
The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly, "...It looks like semen".
The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like semen".
The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims "Well, its nobody from our building!".
A kindergarten
class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting
and relate it to the class the next day.
When
the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy
called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back
down.
Puzzled,
the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the
little boy.
"Well,
I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned
if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was
missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man
next door shot himself.
A couple
with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach.
After
an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played
in the water.
After
a while the boy came up to his mother and said "Mommy, I saw ladies
with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" Mother said, "The bigger
they are, the dumber they are."
So
the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said,
"Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's." Mother
said the same thing: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are...
so the boy went back to play.
Several
minutes later the boy run back to his mother and said: "Mommy, I
just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more
he talked, the dumber he got..."
Top
10 Things Men Know About Women:
1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.)
One day,
an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped
at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking Platter being served at the next table.
Not
only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?"
The
waiter replied, " Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those
are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The
American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin
of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The
waiter replied, "I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving
a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you
this delicacy!"
The
next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served
the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter
and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you
serve yesterday!"
The
waiter promptly replied, "Si señor! Sometimes the bull wins."
A language
instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their
English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or
feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have
a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled,
one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The
teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into
two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine
or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and
the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for
their recommendation.
The
group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in
the masculine gender because:
1.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem.
4.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The
men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely
be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1.
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
4.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
It was
George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When
he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At
the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.
At
the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him
up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough
they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,
potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice.
When
he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words,"
he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well,"
she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar." The
breakfast was my idea.
On a senior
citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were
unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered
in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The
driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would
check into it soon. Later, that very same day, as the passengers were
unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered
in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he
knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained
on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if
they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old
man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped
down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, can I help you?" The elderly
man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee
and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they
were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side.
An old
man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his
arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy
yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old
man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy
says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old
man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!"
The
boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That
evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30
chickens caught in it.
Same
time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he
sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old
man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy
yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old
man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy
says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old
man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck
tape!"
The
boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That
night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old
man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck
tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same
time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what
looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man
says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy
says "It's a pussy willow."
Old
man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."
Manly
questions that you always wondered about but were afraid to ask:
Why
do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
How
are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the
time they don't work.
How
can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and
the noose.
How
do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
Why
do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How
many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him.
How
many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about
the screwing part.
How
many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What's
the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why
can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
What
do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What
does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling
your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How
does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What
do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
His body.
What
makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What
should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What
has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's
the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's
a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's
the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Why
did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why
did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why
do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why
do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why
do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why
do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why
do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of
their decisions.
Why
does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Two
nude statues (one male & one female) had been standing in the
middle of a beautiful park for 99 years.
On
their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven
to talk to the statues.
He
said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years
and has been very pleased with the two of you.
So
pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming
human for a short time."
The
angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes
and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which
they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.
The
statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second
they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.
The
angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter.
After
10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating
and laughing.
The
angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes.
The
male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said:
"Okay,
it's my turn, you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on his head!"
TEN
REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX
1.
A below par performance is considered good.
2.
Can stop in the middle and down a couple of beers.
3.
Much easier to find the sweet spot.
4.
Foursomes are encouraged.
5.
Can make money doing it as a senior.
6.
3 times a day is not unheard of.
7.
Partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
8.
If you move to Florida, you can do it every day.
9.
Don't have to cuddle with your partner after you have finished.
10.
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can always replace it.
A little
boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother
asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his
chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He
goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast
and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks
the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are
you going to tell him, or should I?"
CHINESE PROVERBS
"Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Baseball is wrong..... Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."
"Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion."
"Crowded elevator smells different to midget".
Next time you're in the mood for some household discord, tell your significant other a few of these puppies:
HOW MANY MALE CHAUVINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
None. Let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.
WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they make a hell of a noise and when they go, they take half your house with them.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS?
So feminists couldn't breed.
WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST WOMEN?
How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die?
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have balls.
WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP & PERFUME?
Because they're ugly and they smell.
WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
WHY DID CAVEMEN DRAG THEIR WOMEN AROUND BY THE HAIR?
If they dragged them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
WHY IS A WOMAN LIKE A LAXATIVE?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
WHAT'S WORSE THAN A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG?
A bitch who won't do as she's told.
WHY ARE WIVES LIKE CONDOMS?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.
WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN?
Marriage.
WHY IS A BLOW JOB LIKE LOBSTER?
They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home.
WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLE FOR?
It's Braille for "Suck Here"
WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?
They want to.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS & A ROTTWEILER?
Lipstick.
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER?
Why the hell should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing.
WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
WHAT IS A WIFE
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
HOW ARE WOMEN LIKE PARKING SPACES?
The best ones are taken & the rest are handicapped.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
So men will talk to them.
WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD?
A hundred dollar bill.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE PERIODS?
Because they deserve them.
WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD?
Who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he found a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty mild," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked up the boulder, walked over to the window and threw out the boulder. As he did, he noticed another note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope was already getting close to becoming taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."
EQUAL OPPORTUNITY BASHING
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
A. They keep stepping on the strings.
Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A. You can negotiate with the terrorist
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.
She had him arrested. Then the case came before court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: when the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments removes swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident".
The case was dismissed.
Top 10 reasons why e-mail is like a penis:
10 - Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9 - Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8 - Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7 - Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
6 - It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5 - In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4 - If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3 - We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2 - If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS......
1 - If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no" on his penis. The owner agreed, and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great, and he paid for the service.
That night when the man went home, he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his newly acquired tattoo.
He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?"
His wife became upset. She said ...
"You tell me how to cook ..."
"You tell me how to clean the house ..."
"You tell me how to do the laundry ..."
"And now you're going to put words in my mouth!"
MEANINGS
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet
Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: Aroma -- French perfume
Lust: Aroma -- Brut aftershave
Marriage: Aroma -- "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" chat-room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" chat-room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" chat-room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: Sex?
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: The girl who can eat the last donut.
THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play
begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. Object to the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may
result in being denied permission to play again.
7. It's considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival. The experienced player will normally take time to admire
the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds
and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played.
Upset owners have been known to damage player's equipment for this
reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume the course is in shape to play at all
times. Player may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternative means of play when this is the case.
11. Players should be sure that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else is playing what they considered to be a
private course.
12. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the back side.
13. Slow play is encouraged, however, player should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
14. It's considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer -- look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it had to be an electrical engineer -- the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections."
The third said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?"
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take off.
Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.
The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane.
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.
It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food.
She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate without them.
The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again.
After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.
As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.
At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."
"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Annheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning-drop-dead gorgeous young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a very beautiful woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts...
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's startin' to twitch."
This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
The guy answered, "Only if it's raining."
Imagine, if you will, a Scandinavian accent . . .
Sven, having been out of work for many months, found an incredible career opportunity at . . . a pickle factory. His wife, Greta, was overjoyed, and wished him well on his first day of work. That first evening, when Sven came home, Greta hounded him with questions.
"Well, Greta, I really like my job, but today I sorta got this *urge*," replied Sven.
"Urge? What kind or *urge*?"
"Well, I sorta had this *urge* to put my *unit* in the pickle slicer."
"Oh, no! Sven! Please do not put your unit in the pickle slicer!"
The next day . . .
"And how was your job today, Sven?"
"Well, you know that *urge* I was having yesterday?"
"Oh, no, Sven!"
"Ja, that *urge* to put my unit in the pickle slicer?"
"Sven, do *not* put your unit in the pickle slicer!"
"I know, Greta, I know. I'll try."
Well, the next day, Sven went to his job, but came home two hours early.
Greta: "Sven, why are you home so early from your job?"
"Well, I had that *urge* again, you know, that *urge* to put my unit in the
pickle slicer?"
"Oh, no, Sven!"
"Well, I could not resist . . . so I put my unit in the pickle slicer!"
"Sven! No! What happened?"
"Well, they . . . fired me."
"Oh, no, Sven!"
"And the pickle slicer . . . they fired her, too."
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of Lifesaver candies and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored Lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, Lil' Johnnie coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out! Spit 'em out! They're assholes!!"
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper
Which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship.
I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that... that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As she ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, How much? She says, A hundred dollars. He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, Hold on. She runs back to Harry and says, What can he get for thirty dollars? Harry says, "A handjob."
She runs back and tells the guy, all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male "unit". She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventybucks?!?!?!?!?!"
A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you Linda." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live...eat... sleep... and breathe golf."
"Well..." Linda said, "since you're being honest, so will I. I'm a hooker."
"I see." he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said...."It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together.
It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.
She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE !"
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle". While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch of her breast and said "You know if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra". This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis, With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well... not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well... not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie," he asked? "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead his head. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"
So this guy named Bo goes over to his friend's house. He rings the bell and the wife answers the door. "Hi Nora, is Tony home?" Bo asked. "No," she replied. He'll be back soon. "Well, you mind if I wait?" he asked. "Not at all," she said. "Come on in."
They sit down and Bo says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell. It's a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. Bo promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Bo says, "Those really are so beautiful. I've got to see the both of them at the same time. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and says figures what the hell. It's another hundred bucks. She opens her robe and gives Bo a nice long look. He thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know your weird friend Bo came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex and out again before she knew what was happening" So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said "Did you hear anything?"
"No!" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts like hell!"
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking (as you do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there...And she doesn't even have a penis!"
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor".
"Well, what did he want to do?" They all asked.
She said "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".
So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".
"Finally I said, well how much do you have"? The sailor said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".
He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand"
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?"
I loaned him $75!" she said.
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse
2) A death in the student's immediate family
A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter. After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C’mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick.’ " "So what’s up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I’ll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Three hookers of varying ages were standing around, discussing their profession.
The middle aged one said: "So, how's business?"
"Awful!" replied the young one. "All anybody wants is blow jobs!"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the mid-lifer. "It's easy work, a quick turn over, and you can make more money that way."
"That's just the problem," exclaimed the young lady, "I can't get more than $20.00 for a blow job! How can I make any money that way?"
"Oh," she replied, shrugging, "that's nothing. When I started working, we only got $10.00 for a blow job!"
At this point the old hooker chimed in. "You kids have it so easy! Why, back in my day, we had to give blow jobs for free! And we were glad to get something warm in o |